My "Friday Memere"

This is the time of year that I always think of my Memere.  She passed away unexpectedly 11 years ago, three days after Christmas.  Seems unreal, could it really be 11 years?  I still miss her, I always will.  She was my "Friday Memere".  Memere always arrived on Friday afternoons with a box of Devil Dogs or Hostess chocolate covered donuts.  After kisses and hugs, goodies were devoured.  I think it never ceased to amaze her at how quickly six kids could polish off a box of Devil Dogs in under 5 minutes. Memere always smelled so wonderful; Estee' Lauder perfume and Canadian pink mints.  It's amazing how the sense of smell can evoke such strong memories.  I have a little winter white purse that belonged to my Memere.  It was one of a few items I took after her death.  After bringing it home I opened it up and suddenly I could smell my Memere.  At first it was unsettling, the pain was too raw then. As I looked into the purse I discovered a perfectly folded embroidered hanky, a coat pin and inside a zippered compartment, a little gold metal case that holds my Memere's favorite perfume.  I have since used that purse for special occasions, but Memere's things are still in there.  And now when the purse is opened, smelling her perfume brings me comfort.  Oh my Memere....

As much as I loved my Memere (and she loved me) there is guilt.  There is that wish that I spent more time with her, that I tried harder when she attempted to show me how to crochet.  I still can't crochet.  I wish I had asked for her fudge recipe, she made it every Christmas, it was delicious.   Everyone believes they have tomorrow to make things right, to get that fudge recipe, to say I love you....

But tomorrow is never promised.  That wish for just one more day with my Memere inspired a poem/song I wrote one Christmas for my Mom, her daughter.  **The poem "I Wish" is below**

I Wish

I wish that you could watch my son
grow up and become a man.
Want to walk along the seashore
holding your hand.

I wish I watched you longer
as you walked across the floor.
I wish that I could tell you...
I love you, once more.

I wish I possessed your shy smile
your quiet, gentle way.
I want to hear your voice once more,
I'd listen to all you say.

I wish I had more pictures of you
to hang where all could see.
But all I have are a precious few,
thank God for memories.

I wish I'd asked you about your past,
how your girlhood days were spent.
Laughing at life, did the years go fast?
Now gone, forever silent....

I wish I had gone to church with you
and prayed to the Lord above.
Grant to me your endless devotion
and unconditional love.

I wish you were here at Christmas time,
your favorite time of year.
Lay baby Jesus in the hay,
with Mary hovering near.

Dear Santa, I wish for one more day
to make these wishes come true.
But life doesn't always give second chances,
....So now I sing to you.

I wish that you could watch my son
grow up and become a man.
Want to walk along the seashore
holding your hand.

I wish I watched you longer
as you walked across the floor.
I wish that I could tell you,
I love you once more.
Wish that I could tell you....    

Desperately Seeking Santa....

I worked all night Friday and Saturday 7pm -7am.  EVERYONE is sick, residents and staff.  And as careful as I tried to be, I just know I'll be getting sick too.  I was bombarded by too many germs :::sigh::: Ah well, hopefully it will hold off until after Christmas.  There's just too much to do to get sick now.....    

Yesterday Sammi asked to see Santa Claus.  So at 3pm we decided to brave the mall crowds and find him.  We found him at the first mall, well sort of.  His elves were there and said Santa would be returning in 15 minutes.  I decided that we should use that time and do some much needed shopping.  Mike just wanted to wait and then shop.  Against his better judgement we went shopping.  One hour later we went back to see Santa, but his chair was empty.  Then we heard a "HO, HO, HO" down the corridor, it was Santa!!  We tried to chase him down; me pushing the stroller with Mikey, Mike with Sammi in his arms, but alas, Santa has left the building.  Of course I got the "I told you so, Michelle!"  But seriously, what Santa leaves a packed mall for the night filled with parents and kids at 5pm?  On Christmas week?  We decided to leave that mall & go to another.  Please Santa be there!

He was!  And he was even better than the other one.  A real beard and no body padding.  Hey, I think I believed he was the real thing... Sammi was so excited at first, but as we inched closer and closer towards Santa, she became nervous.  When it was finally our turn, she wouldn't look at him while she sat on his lap.  Mikey had no idea who this fat guy in the red suit was, he kept staring at his sister wondering what she was so happy about.  When the shock of this IS Santa wore off, she told him her Christmas wish list.  "I want new markers, a doggy and a car."  

A car? Yup, a car!  ...That's my girl! 

 

Christmas Memory Part 2

When we reached the back of the store where the butcher shop was, my dad opened the huge walk-in freezer door.  In anticipation of what we might see, we all peeked in.  There in the freezer were 3 or 4 deer hanging upside down by their hooves.  Then my dad exclaimed, "Kids, there won't be any Christmas this year because all of Santa's reindeer are dead."  I think my Dad expected us to say "No siiiirrrr, those aren't Santa's reindeer" etc, etc... I do know he did not expect the reaction he got.  All four of us instantly began wailing.  My oldest brother kept saying that he thought one of them was Rudolph, which of course made us even more hysterical.  My Mom rushed up behind us to see why we were all crying.  When she discovered what happened, she started speaking angrily to my Dad in french.  (My folks are bilingual.  And while growing up they always spoke french when angry or when trying to keep a secret from the kids.)

My poor Dad tried to convince us he was only joking, bribing us with ice cream did help a little.:::smile:::  Looking back today, I can only imagine how he must have felt when he realized his joke backfired in such a BIG way. I remember leaving the store that day, still wondering if those really were Santa's reindeer. All doubts were gone a few weeks later.

We were awoken on Christmas Eve by my parents saying "Wake up, Santa was here." We rushed down the stairs as fast as our pj'd feet would carry us.  The Christmas tree lights were on with carols softly playing in the background. Surrounding the Christmas tree were tons of presents that surely only Santa and his reindeer could have brought in his magic sleigh.

Onward Dasher, Comet & Vixen. May the spirit of Christmas and the innocence of believing in Santa live forever in our childrens hearts....       

Christmas Memory

One of my earliest Christmas memories is a bit traumatic.  Fortunately the trauma was short-lived because Rudolph really DID come that year.  Maybe I should explain....My Dad has always been a prankster, he loves to play jokes on people. His fellow firefighters and family were his favorite victims of well thought out schemes,but sometimes his jokes backfired.  I blame him today for my warped sense of humor, I think it's genetic... 

My Pepere (grandfather) owned a little grocery store for many years until he retired.  My dad worked part time for his dad on weekends. It was always fun to go visit my Dad and Pepere when he was working.  We used to run out back and say hi to Speedy the butcher and we always got a free ice cream.  Nutty Buddies were my favorite.  One morning my Mom took my three brothers and me for our usual visit.   It was mid-November (hunting season) and we were all so excited for Christmas.  I think I was about 4, so my brothers were 3, 6 & 7 years old.  We all believed in Santa & his flying reindeer.  This time when we arrived at the store, my Dad greeted us and said, "Kids, I have bad news for you, follow me...."  So all 4 of us dutifully followed my Dad to the back of the store. 

Where does time go?

"I wish that you could watch my son grow up to be a man...

Walk along the seashore holding your hand.

I wish I watched you longer as you walked across the floor,

I wish that I could tell you, I love you once more...." 

Those are a few lines from a song I wrote for my Memere(grandmother).  She died almost 11 years ago a few days after Christmas. But it is not her that I want to talk about today; rather about the son that I wished she could see grow up into a man...

My first-born son Spencer has turned 16 today!  It seems as if it was just yesterday (ok, maybe last week) that he was still a small child. Yet, here he is somehow growing up into a young man right before my eyes.  Where does time go? Today I gave him the day off from school & he wants to go to the registry to get his learner's driving permit.  Knowing he'll soon be a teen driver on the road scares the hell out of me.  I think the hardest part of parenting is allowing my child to become independent.  I can only hope that the morals I've attempted to instill in him, will guide him, as he begins his journey to adulthood...

I wish life would slow down a bit, I don't think I'm ready for this.       

Christmas Thru My Child's Eye...

The kids are so excited, Christmas is on the way...

"Hey it's snowing out, can we please go out to play?"

We create snowmen with scarfs and buttons that are black.

Flap arms and legs making snow angels while lying on our backs.   

When noses get red it's time for children to go in,

Sweet frothy hot chocolate drip down their chins.  

Decorating the Christmas tree, ornaments and lights.

Singing Christmas carols off key, Oh, "Silent Night".

Going to visit Santa Claus, whispering in his ear,

"Dear Santa please bring me.... I've been good this year."

Looking out the window hoping Santa they will spy,

Believing in flying reindeer, never asking why....

Read "Twas The Night Before Christmas" now time for bed.

Listening for jingle bells and Santa's magic sled.

Wake early in the morning, tip toe to the tree.

"Santa's been here!" little voices shout with glee.

Smiling I get up, it's only 5am? :::sigh:::

Oh, the joy of seeing Christmas,

Thru my child's eye.... 

Can I Drag Links Over?

Please excuse me while I continue to find out what I can & can't do here at my journal.  But while you're here, feel free to click on the link for your holiday cup of cheer.  Free, no charge, no calories!  I really am starting to get in the holiday spirit now. I have 20 nephews & neices to buy for (big family), and last night Mike & I were able to find gifts for almost all, except 3. Thank you BIG LOTS.  We started shopping for the babies last night too.  We bought Sammi a little kitchen and Mikey a vacuum cleaner.  He LOVES vacuums!  Tonight we will go buy our tree and decorate it.  We'll see how decorated it stays with a 1 & 2 year old in the house :::smiling::: Hmmm, are lego's and teething rings considered ornaments?      

JustSayWow.com <!~~ Click for your Cup of Holiday Cheer

If the link doesn't work it's because it's worn out from me having to play this over and over and over and over(I think you get the idea) again for the babies ...

Seasons Greetings

We Got 3 Feet Of Snow

This past weekend a nor-easter blew thru & left behind almost 3 feet of snow.  Much to the delight of my lil' ones.  This was the first time that Mikey remembers seeing snow.   Last December he was only 4 months old.......

This pic looks like it was taken at night time (it does get dark here early in the winter). This pic was taken at 5pm. 

 

More About Me.... Part 4

At 3am a resident in end stage kidney failure begins to put her call-light on.  She asks, "Do you see that man in plaid over there? He's on the ceiling.  I want him to go away, please make him go away."  When I tell her that I don't see anyone, she insists that he is there.  "See?" she says, while pointing up.  Is it a hallucination or could she be seeing someone?  I do believe that people can see loved ones when their time is near, perhaps to help guide them home?  In any case, I've seen too much evidence of angels not to believe.  (That's another post).  Because the man in plaid refused to leave,(who says dead men don't wear plaid?) we brought Theresa up to the nurses station to stay with us.  She instantly relaxed and fell asleep.  The rest of the shift passed quickly and without incident.  That is until I walked out the door.

It was a winter wonderland.  The storm was still in full force and although I was exhausted, the beauty of the sheer force of mother nature was undeniable.  Then I looked over to where my truck was parked & saw a white mound. Awe of mother nature was replaced with cursing. After spending 15 minutes digging it out I could not open the doors, they were frozen shut. I just want to go home and sleep after a 12 hour shift. After finally breaking into my truck, I turned on the ignition.  YES!  It started, bed here I come!!  ....I wish.  That truck would not move an inch forwards or in reverse.  I was stuck.  Too aggravated to try anymore & afraid I might cry if I went inside and asked for help, I decided to walk home.  Of course I wasn't dressed to be walking in a blizzard, but adrenaline is a wonderful thing.  After a 25 minute trek (with one quick stop in a donut shop to buy coffee/donuts for Mike & the kids) I got home & finally flopped into bed.:::singing::: "Sleep in heavenly peace.."

The weatherman was wrong on his prediction of 18" of snow.  We got almost 3 feet, 34" to be exact.  School is closed again tomorrow...        

More About Me.... Part 3

       

The shift seemed to mirror the weather outside, conditions spiraling downward. Nursing, just like New England weather is unpredictable.  That's one of the things I love about my job.  Every day is different.... 

At 1:50am one of the CNA's came up to me & said, "Mary just fell down and Norma just died."  Norma's death wasn't a shock, some may even say it was a blessing. She was 89 years old and had been very sick for the past week.  Having said that, I'll never get used to people dying. It's a part of my job that haunts me if I think about it too much. After 11 years in nursing, I still feel I don't know the right words to say to a family.  Saying I'm sorry seems so inadequate. No matter how old a parent may be, no one is ever fully prepared to say good-bye to their mother or father.  When I deal with the passing of a resident, it makes me reflect, if even for a second, about my own mortality.... That's one of the things I hate about my job. 

Mary was fine and sustained no injuries (except maybe to her ego) from her fall. Looking up to the heavens and saying a silent thank you.  But a prayer won't help me get the funeral parlor to come get Norma tonight.  The storm is raging now, with gusts to 60mph.  Roads are almost impassable.  So I must leave Norma in her room until the next shift & pretend that all is ok while tending to her roommate.  "Silent night, holy night all is calm...."

No, not calm yet....

More About Me...Part 2

"Silent night all is calm all is bright..." Well, maybe not so calm.  While I was at work Saturday night (my shift is 7pm til 7am) a nor'easter blew in. I had heard that up to 18" was predicted. I was already dreading the thought of having to clean my car off in the morning.  Oh well, this is New England.  As the locals say, "if you don't like the weather wait a minute it'll change."

The shift started off pretty quiet, unfortunately that quiet would not last.  I went about my work monitoring stats,taking vital signs, administering nebulizer treatments, changing colostomy appliances, wound dressings & passing scheduled medications.  I began writing in the charts at 11pm when I heard weeping.  Upon entering the room Theresa was there very distressed. She asked, "Am I losing my mind?  If I am call Jimmy, I don't want to be here."  Theresa has Alzheimers. After trying to console her, I brought her down to the nurses station to visit with us. One cup of tea later & some TLC, Theresa relaxed, but not enough to go back to bed.  She spent the shift awake with us girls happily chatting away.  At midnight I heard moaning & then a voice, "Oh God, help me."  I ran in the room & one of our male residents was about to be sick. As I went for the basin, I saw that he was about to vomit... (It seemed as if I was in slow motion as I rushed back to him with the basin) My brain screamed N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!  I made it back in time, but I got the dreaded splash. (fingers crossed it's not the flu.) Yes, bodily fluids often hit parts of my body and I always pray "please,not in the eyes." As the vomit hit my wrist, I resisted the urge to immediately go wash my wrist and sterilize with an alcohol wipe; instead I pretended that nothing happened & stayed with him until he was done.  The night went downhill from there....             

More About Me....

 I haven't spoken much about my occupation & although some may call it a job because it pays my bills, I feel that it is a calling.  My desire to help care for those who can't help themselves was something I felt in my soul; my schooling & training made it possible.  Currently I'm a nurse in a nursing/rehab center.  Although I have held several different positions as a middle-school nurse, home hospice nurse & assistant to a maxial facial surgeon, my heart remains with geriatrics. I would someday like to specialize in Alzheimers....  That being said, let me tell you about my shift Saturday night.

As I walked into the building the voices of Christmas caroler's were wafting in the air...."Silent night, Holy night, all is calm all is bright..."  I love Christmas music but for some reason hearing Christmas music in a nursing home setting always brings a tear to my eye.  Maybe it's all those "I'll Be Home For Christmas" sentiments; because the reality is most of these people will never go home again....

Getting In The Christmas Spirit

Christmas is fast approaching.  My television & teenaged son remind me of this fact on a daily basis.  His Christmas list changes constantly.  A few days ago he was hinting around for a 398.00 MP3 player.  When I winced at the price, he chimed in his usual response "but Mom, I'll have it FOREVER." I can't tell you how many forever presents are no longer in his possession.  They were either sold to upgrade for a bigger/better model, borrowed by a friend or dropped & broken by his 2 year old sister. That was the fate suffered by his last CD player. (Hey, I told him NOT to leave it on the kitchen table::sigh:: )  Tonight he asked for a Chia Pet. Huh?? Do they still make those?  Apparently they do because he really wants one.  He'll have it forever...lol.  

I'm trying to get in the Christmas Spirit, but I'm just not feeling it yet. Not feeling like Scrooge, but definitely don't have that tra-la-la magic stirring in my soul.  Truthfully, I get overwhelmed with the process of trying to find the perfect gift for everybody.  And being the procrastinator that I am, I haven't even started shopping. Tonight in an attempt to jumpstart my lagging holiday enthusiasm, I've decorated my journal with a new holiday look. But I couldn't get those darn blinking lights working.  Who needs lights anyways? BAHHHHH...humbug?   

 

Date Night PART 2

It didn't take me long to realize we were heading towards Boston.  I just love Boston at night, esepcially this time of year with all the lights.  We actually held hands while riding.  I know, no big deal to you, but to me it was.  Usually our hands are full trying to hand back snacks, bottles or toys.  We seldom get to have a conversation in the car, because we are busy singing silly kid songs.  "The wheels on the bus go round-n-round..."  Tonight hands were free to hold & conversation was free to flow.  Unfortunately, I found myself gabbing away about the kids.  MAN, I need a life!!  : )

We ate at a seafood restuarant with great ambience, McCormicks & Shcmidts. The restuarant even had white cloth napkins and not a gold Burger King crown in sight.  It was so nice to eat without worrying about flying food & prodding fingers digging in my plate. After eating & having a glass of wine we strolled off towards the theatre district in Boston. When we reached the Stuart Playhouse, the date destination was finally revealed.  We had tickets to see Stomp.  We sat in the 7th row. If you've never seen ads for Stomp, it's a bit hard to describe.  There's lots of rythmn not only with their bodies, but with trash cans, brooms, toilet plungers, even the kitchen sink.  The show was also very funny & for the first time in awhile I actually laughed out loud at something other than my kids. It was great, really...

Well, I should be in bed now.  I'm sure the babies will be up at the crack of dawn and date night isn't quite over with yet....::::wink, wink::::  

                           Locking the bedroom door.....     

Date Night....

Mike took me out on a date tonight, just the two of us.  Despite my questions & subtle snooping around,he managed to keep our destination a secret all week long.  Having it be a surprise was fun, but trying to decide what to wear to who knows where was torture!  After much trepidition & ripping thru my closet whining "I have nothing to wear" I settled on a lil black dress (because that works for all occasions, right?)  Well, I decided to wash it on delicate cycle, (even tho the label said Dry Clean Only )  Ok, I'll admit it. Not only do I often ignore those labels, but I also always pull those tags off the pillows that say Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of Law. A rebel aren't I? Anyways, I have washed the dress many times before with no problems.  Tonight was the exception. The dress has 2 layers & somehow the top layer shrunk leaving the bottom layer of the dress hanging out like some granny slip.  I felt like Ellie May from the Beverly Hillbillies.  I ended up wearing a holiday sweater & a pair of pants. I feared I might be under-dressed, but didn't care.  I just didn't like the way any of my clothes fit me after celebrating Thanksgiving twice!

At 6pm we were on our way....  

     

Sweet Things In Life

This morning I peeled a banana for the 2 babies to eat.  Sammi broke off the top half of the banana.  It was ripe and unblemished.  As I continued to peel the rest of the banana, I discovered that the banana had brown patches. As I gave Mikey this less-than-perfect piece of fruit I was reminded of a fond memory.  When growing up none of us wanted the brown part of the banana.  But mom would always say, "the brown part of the banana is the sweetest part."  

I'm thankful for the sweet things in life,

I'm thankful to be my husband's wife.

I'm thankful for the sweet smells of my babies after a bath,

I'm thankful that my teenage son doesn't need my help in math.

I'm thankful for.....

A friend, not a telemarketer, calling,

The sound of my old car not stalling.

The soft feel of my bunny's fur,

The content sound of my cats purr.

The roof (although leaking) over my head,

Warm flannel sheets keeping me warm in bed.

Food in the fridge, plenty to eat,

Enough money to make ends meet.

The laughter & giggles of children at play,

Waking up in the morning; a brand new day.

All these sweet things in life warm my heart.

And remember...

The brown part of a banana is the sweetest part. 

Holiday Reminder PART 3

My babies see him at family gatherings during the holidays & at birthday parties.  But they do not know him.  My brother looks thru them like they do not exist.  He's never waved "hi" at them, when they smile up at him he does not return the smile.  He's never attempted to pick them up to give them a hug, talk to them or touch their soft curly hair.  I do not exist, so therefore neither do they.  To see my innocent children be treated in such a callous manner breaks my heart.  But because I do not acknowledge him, I cannot let him see the tears.

My Mom is hopeful that we will one day reconcile.  I don't see how that's possible.  I've lived a lifetime in 2 years...(I've had 2 babies & remarried a wonderful man) and he has chosen not to be a part of my life.  I'm not sure I can forgive that.  I wish we had stayed angry at each other, yelled at each other.  Something.  At least when one fights it's because the other person means something to you...  Silence means I don't love you, you aren't worth it, you are nothing. 

So Thanksgiving is once more upon us & the holiday reminder of I lost my brother's love rears it's ugly head.  Maybe tomorrow I'll write about my many blessings to be thankful for, but today I'm sad.  I wish I had the answer on how to end this silence, I have none.

Hey God, it's me Michelle....

                     ....I've got a question to ask you 

Holiday Reminder PART 2

"Why did you stay?" has to be the #1 question people ask a woman who has stayed in an abusive relationship.  My own Dad asked it.  And there is no one easy answer. My answer was "because".  Because I felt I could change him, because of our son, because of my religion, because I felt I was expected to stay, because I loved my sister-in-law, because I lived a comfortable life financially, because I didn't want to lose my friends, because of foolish pride, because of shame.  Because, because, because....  I think the universal because is "Because I'm afraid no one will believe me".  Unfortunately that fear became my reality.  Sadly my oldest brother did not believe me.  Where did my defender, my partner in crime during our childhood go to?  Instead of defending me against lies spewed by others, he chose to nod his head in agreement. 

The strain of our relationship came to a head shortly after the birth of my 2 yr old daughter.  There were no flowers, no cards, no visits to the hospital, no phone calls or emails to congratulate me.  Only silence.  Two weeks passed before I found the courage to confront him and ask what I did wrong.  I told him that I was hurt that he ignored the birth of my daughter.  His reply?  "Get over it".  Emotionally charged e-mails were exchanged, but nothing was resolved.  Once again silence reigned. We have not spoken or written a word to each other since.  I thought that eventually bad feelings would blow over, but 2 years later that silence only grows louder....      

Holiday Reminder...

 In honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I wanted to write down all the reasons of why I'm thankful.  There are many....  Instead I find myself thinking about the loss of my brother's love.  Holidays are the harshest reminders of this void in my life. 

I'm not sure how it happened; but something changed almost 5 years ago after I revealed that my marriage was unraveling.  I guess I didn't see the changes at first.  The emotional turmoil that a divorce causes totally encompassed me.  At that time I can honestly say I wasn't a very good friend or sister.  I seldom called friends because I was tired of hearing (or feeling) "I miss you and Kevin together".  Social situations with mutual couple friends became awkward.  I also withdrew from my family. It was as if I had wrapped a cocoon around myself.  I didn't emerge until my spirit had begun to heal & I was ready to spread my wings to fly once again.  I foolishly thought that all my friends & family would be there when I emerged.  I was wrong....   

"I Yub You"

"I yub you, you yub me...."  that is the tune my 2 yr old Sammi was singing this morning(Barney's theme song). Even with my eyes burning from lack of sleep, it made me smile. All three kids are sick now, cough, runny nose, not sleeping well at night.  Spencer stayed home from school today, which actually works out pretty good.  I'll still be able to make my dentist appointment at 11:15am.  It's pretty bad when you look forward to going to the dentist to get a break.  "Hey,doc...give me a little more novacaine, I want to have that numb feeling last really long today"  For the past 4 nights Sammi has been up by 3am.  I think it is a combination of the unfamiliarity with her BIG girl bed,her cold (she has it the worst) & the fact that she has the attention span of a pesky mosquito.  I've had to get up and go to the livingroom with her.  I'm able to lock the gate to keep her in one place & I can snooze on the couch, sort of....

SCREAM...... that is just what I heard this second.  As I quickly looked around the corner, I found a speaker on top of Sammi & a lamp on the floor.  Apparently she wanted a nutcracker I placed on top of the speaker.  Sam,speaker,lamp & nutcracker are all unscathed. My life, gotta love it. (And I do, really).

My time here this morning has come to an end.  I think I smell a poop (too bad technology doesn't allow you to download smells yet, because I would share, lol.)  I'll get back to normal journaling as soon as these babies are healthy again.  Until then I'll enjoy the sweet chirpings of song....

"I yub you, you yub me....e-i-e-i-o"  :::smile::: that's how she ended her version

 

         

Journal Not Abandoned Part 2

I now put my toothbrush out of reach of curious 2 yr olds; no more swirlys.  Sammi spiked a fever of 104; too much toilet water ingested?? Mikey had a petit mal seizure;I'll write more on this later. I cancelled my long awaited stress test because of too much stress at home, so reasons for my PVC's will have to wait until my new appt. Jan 8th,03

Attempted to pay bills; couldn't find the time

Took care of 2 clinging babies not feeling well, Thurs night Mike brought me home flowers, wine & we got take out LOVE my man! We ate chinese food while watching "Survivor" I LOVE that show.  Rupert is 'da man! Had an appt. with the bank to get an equity loan. Did I tell you we need a NEW roof?? 

IMMEDIATELY????  Not good timing for replacing a roof in New England

Worked Friday & Sat. 7pm until 7am, I work 24 hours get paid 32 hours.  Not a bad deal & it allows me to stay home with the kiddos'. Finally found some shoes that actually fit Mikey's chubby lil feet; No easy FEAT I tell ya...Bought Sammi a BIG GIRL bed, went to Spencer's music schools Bavarian fest; a fundraiser for their trip to Frankenmuth MI next July.

Attempted to pay bills again, just too darn tired.... 

Well, this is a partial list but I think you get the idea.  Hoping this week will be calmer so I can try to read some of my fav journals & get caught up.  Hey and maybe I'll even pay a few bills : )

   

   

Journal Not Abandoned

Oh my journal, I haven't abandoned you.... Life just gets so busy sometimes.  Although there are 24 hours in a day, I seldom have 1 minute for myself.  Not complaining tho, because someday I know I'll look back and long for these days again....(maybe:::smile:::)

We finally had our gas leak fixed in our house.  You see, I gave permission to our 15 yr old son Spencer to move the truck in the driveway.  He's done it before without any incident. WELL, this time he apparently confused the gas pedal & the brake and he plowed into our gas meter on the house.  Spence is fine, but the truck sustained some damage & the jolt caused a gas leak on the joint of a pipe in the basement. NOTE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC: Get off the road ASAP.  Spence will be on the road by December...  You've been warned!

Maybe it would be easier and within the 2,500 character limit if I just made a list of my past week. 

NOTE: haha, even making a partial list I couldn't stay under the 2,500 so Part 2, here I come!

Nothing is sacred, PART 2

Upon entering the bathroom I saw that she had all the toothbrushes out.  Lookin' up at me with big brown eyes she asked, "Brusha my teesth?"  Being in a hurry to leave I said "not now" and began putting the toothbrushes away.  I noticed that my toothbrush bristles were soaked.  Hmmm, weird that my toothbrush should still be wet.  But I was in a hurry & didn't analyze what that might mean.

While visiting my folks, I told them about how I found Sammi in the bathroom wanting to brush her teeth.  I said, ".....of course she couldn't brush her teeth because she can't reach the faucets to turn on the water...." WAIT!! (brain freak) She can't turn on the faucets & my toothbrush was wet!  It was more than wet, it was soaked.  Oh, the horror, my toothbrush got a swirly by Sammi!  On the way back home we stopped at Walmarts, I bought a new toothbrush.  Is nothing sacred anymore?

Today while the world was solemnly celebrating Veterans Day, my darling 2 year old daughter is still celebrating Independence Day....       

Nothing is sacred....

See that little face up there?? That sweet innocent face sleeping nose to nose with her teddy bear? Those days are over.... She has found out that she can climb out of her crib and is LOVING her new-found independence.  And I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since....

The first time Sammi climbed out of her crib undetected, she wandered over to the dog food dishes.  I guess she was trying to feed our dog, but got a bit carried away.  She emptied about 25 pounds of dog kibble on the floor before I noticed.  And there was our dog Vixen, smiling I swear, trying to eat up the massive amount of kibble.  burp.....

She has explored many places of the house in recent days, but her favorite destination is the bathroom.  We've put a lock at the top of the door so she can't go in, but unfortunately my teenager can't seem to remember to lock it when exiting the bathroom.  I shouldn't be surprised considering he can't remember to lower the toilet seat or put the cap back on the toothpaste, lol.  Today while getting things ready in the kitchen to go out, I suddenly realized that it was too quiet.  That only means one thing, Sammi is in the bathroom.... 

Dear Mom and Dad

I began writing poetry when I was 12. One Thanksgiving all my siblings & I were reminiscing about our childhood.  We were having fun talking about the times we were bad & the punishments that followed, when my Mom chimed in,"Don't you remember the good times?" ....That question was the inspiration for this poem.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I remember the good times, they're not so long ago.

Allowances were a dime, sled rides in the snow.

I remember....

Dad at the piano playing "Paper Roses."

Mom always there to kiss bruised knee's and noses.

Summer cook-outs, eating chicken by the tons.

I didn't want to stop until Dad was done.

Car rides, songs, my favorite request.

Sing "Now Is The Hour" sung as a duet.

Toothfairies and Easter Bunnies, all roles played so well.

Lots of laughter, funny jokes at supper time to tell. 

Trips to the beach, running in the sand.

Afraid of the waves, I'd hold Dad's hand. 

Mom's singing voice what a beautiful sound,

She'd play the guitar as we danced around.

Sleepy Sunday mornings, going off to church.

Sitting in the willow tree upon my favorite perch. 

You came to all our concerts, track meets and the rest.

Sour notes, win or lose for you we tried our best.

I especially remember Christmas time; the fun I always had 

Decorating the Christmas tree, "Hey, where's Dad?"

Stockings filled, new pajama's, the smell of tourque' pies.

Presents surround the Christmas tree, stacked high up to the sky.

I thank you for all the memories, and all the mean to me.

Your laughter and love, the greatest gifts;

Will be your legacy....

Love, Michelle (s0ngbird)  

Once Upon A Time, Part 2

The beginning of the end of my old journal (and my marriage) happened on April 29, 1998. That was the night of a particularly bad fight & after writing in my journal, I began to flip back thru the pages.  As I was reading the first entry I wrote five years earlier, I had a thunderbolt moment. I realized that with the exception of the dates, the entries were almost identical.  Was I really this sad 5 years ago? Why had I stayed, would I stay another 5 years??  I was overwhelmed with emotion....  It was then that I decided, "NEVER AGAIN"  Never again would I allow him to hurt me, to belittle me & make me believe that somehow I deserved his crap. NEVER AGAIN!  I began writing entries that were empowering.  Seeing the words gave me strength & kept me sane.  I found a lawyer in May 1998 & never strayed from my decision....   I've saved that journal, really not sure why.  I haven't read or written in it since my divorce was final almost 5 years ago. It is a chapter permanently closed in my life.  There have been times when I have come close to destroying the journal.  When I underwent thyroid surgery 9 years ago, I worried about "what if".  What if something went wrong & I died, was that journal the legacy I wanted to leave my son?  And tho the answer was a resounding "NO" I could not bring myself to destroy the words from my past....

In many ways, I thank that journal for saving my life, for saving my soul, for opening my eyes that life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation.  It's hard to throw away an old friend; so now the journal is tucked away in the bottom drawer of my nightstand.  It lays silent now....

Yes, once upon a time I had another journal, but those were dark days then..... 

Once Upon A Time (Part 1)

Once upon a time I had another journal but those were dark days then..... 

Yes, my life wasn't always as wonderful as it is now.  Few people knew my pain; I found it easier to pretend that all was ok, rather than face the truth of my reality.  But it isn't that relationship (an abusive 15 year marriage) that I want to talk about. For those were very dark days, days that I thought my soul had died. It's a time in my life that is best not re-visited, for the pain and anger even now lingers. I've never regretted leaving ~~only wished I found the courage to do it sooner. I want to talk about my old journal & how my own written words finally made me realize it was time to leave ....  My old journal was a maroon hard covered daily calendar book with gold trim edges on the pages.  It didn't look like a journal & I liked that.  I always feared that it would be discovered & destroyed, so I took great care to protect my journal.  Once I hid it so well, that I actually lost my journal for a few weeks until I found it again.  That journal was the keeper of my secrets, my confidante.... Because I was living a lie, the words in my journal were brutally honest.  Many pages are stained from the salty bitter tears I cried....

In so many entries I wrote, "Can't somebody help me?"  Yet, I never reached out to another human to tell them of my sorrow, only wrote in that journal. 

Terrible Two's

I never believed in the terrible two's.... I honestly believed it was an excuse parent's used who couldn't control their children.  When my oldest was a toddler, I would see a child in public having a tantrum and think, "Thank God that's not MY child."  And walk smugly by them.  Well, guess what?  That child is MY child these days....

Ok, going to whine now, so stop reading if you don't want to hear it, lol...

Going to the grocery store alone with the 2 babies has become an almost impossible feat.  First of all, there's only room for one in the grocery cart seat.  I've tried putting the other child in the basket part, but food gets tossed out as fast as I put it in.  Or sometimes the food would get mangled beyond recognition....(Shhhhh....I admit to discreetly putting back a few loaves of bread that looked like a sack of potatoes were sitting on them, lol)  So there is always one child free.  Ever try pushing a full grocery cart while attempting to get the child in the seat to sit down & the other one to quit pulling things off the shelves and walk in the same direction?  Oh, and then there's that nifty grocery cart invention that has a little car built in under the cart. (Picture above in happier times).  The concept is cute, but before you know it Sammi is screaming because Mikey is beeping HER horn.  And then the mayhem begins.... So I usually end up putting Mikey back in the grocery cart seat & Sammi insists on walking because she doesn't want to ride in the car alone!  

Ok, so I believe in the terrible two's.... I want to apologize to the other parents for the smug thoughts I once possessed when walking by your child having a tantrum.  What comes around, goes around.  

               I sure hope Mikey isn't taking notes....       

 

It's Halloween...tonight???

It's Halloween....tonight??  I've seen the commercials, I've tried to avoid the candy in the stores, I even bought the 2 babies new pumpkin buckets to collect their loot.  Yet, somehow I spaced it that Halloween was tonight.  Being the procrastinating creature that I am, I thought I still had time to figure out some costumes.  Not that it much matters because when you're small, you're ALWAYS cute.  For instance, I could send Sammi out in her pink feety pj's, duct tape a clump of cottonballs to her butt & hold two fingers up behind her head for ears & people will think she's adorable. (of course I'll get a cramp in my hand, so that costume is out)....

I suppose I'll drag out her giraffe costume from last year. (picture above)  Sammi hasn't grown much since last year, she seriously appears to be stunted in growth.  The Dr's tell me she's "petite" but how the heck did that happen with 2 amazons for parents? LOL... (I'm 5'8 and Mike is 6'4)....Her baby brother is already heavier than her by 3lbs & he's only a few inches off in height.  People are beginning to ask if they are twins...Ok, off the track now,:::smile::: and I wonder why I forgot that tonight was Halloween?

Mikey will go as a cow. (Another old Sammi costume).... I put it on him a few weeks ago for kicks & giggles. He looked sooooo freakin' cute....  Sammi thought he was a new pull toy & kept dragging him around the house by his tail.  Poor Mikey, no matter how much bigger he gets than Sammi, she will always rule him. " Girls rule & boys drool?"  (oops, there goes my mind again, wandering....)

Well, I suppose I should go and do something Halloweeny with them this afternoon. (Would smashing pumpkins & eggin' people's houses count? Hmmm, maybe instead of writing with sidewalk chalk we'll use shaving cream today. lol)   

Halloween Pic....

This pic is kind of grainy....but it's a pic of Sammi dressed in her first Halloween costume. She loved the mask & would cry if I took it off. (She was 3 months old in this pic).  How time flies....

                           .....My baby girl is already 2.....

Haunted Radio

Mike installed an under-the counter radio in the kitchen a few months ago.  I found it in a back room in the house, still in it's box, looking brand new.  He didn't remember where he got it, but he installed it because I liked it.   Weird things starting happening with the radio after about a week.  It turns itself on & off and it also changes stations usually to either a talk station or static....

I can't tell you how many times I've turned it off, only to walk back in the kitchen with it playing again.  Yesterday while I was preparing supper at the counter, the radio was making static sounds.  So I turned it off.  Within a few minutes, while I was standing there I heard these little popping sounds and on it went.  (Playing music this time...) I left it on because my 2 yr old started dancing to the music.  Mike went to turn it off one day this week and just as he reached the button to turn it off, it turned itself off.

*Laughing at self* why did I just refer to the radio as "it" sixteen times?

Guess what radio is unplugged now?   Anyone wanna buy a nice radio at our next yardsale? "IT" works great!! 

An Angel gave my kids a cold...part 2

When Angel crashed for a nap on our couch my husband said, "she really is a cute little thing."  He then went on to comment that although she was cute, she was missing something.  "No sparkle in her eyes like Sammi has."  That made me wonder about how my **precocious-laughing-mischeivous-silly-secure-in-the-love of her parents** little girl would be if that love was taken away, if that love never existed.... Yes, that sparkle would be gone and in its place would be a reality that one so young should never know. That day I cried some tears for that sleepy boogy nosed Angel sleeping on my couch.  When I brought Angel back to the nursing home at 3pm she didn't go home, her grandma was working until 11pm that night. Before I even returned to my car to leave, little Angel & her suitcase were already being shuttled off with someone else she barely knew. 

Today when Mike came home for lunch, he wasn't pleased that our two little ones have boogy noses, the beginnings of a cold.  He requested that I don't bring home anymore "stray" children.  But Angel will be back, she'll be back....

                 (pass the kleenex please),,,, 

An Angel gave my kids a cold....

An Angel came into my life on Sunday and gave my kids a cold.  Maybe I should explain....

Like a stereotypical Angel she is beautiful & has flowing blonde hair and sky blue eyes.  There is a knowing look about her, wise beyond her years.... What makes this Angel different is that she is only 3 years old.  Her name is Angel.  Her grandma/my co-worker just gained custody of her after a 2 year battle in the court system.  Angel has been shuffled thru the foster system since the day she was born.  Her mother has too many emotional issues to care for her, her father has never been in her life.  My co-worker is a single mom who works too many hours.  On the days she cannot find daycare for Angel, one can find Angel puttering around the nursing home in her pink feety pj's until her grandma (a few years older than me) is done working at 11pm. On those nights my heart aches for this little girl, who should be fast asleep in her own bed.

Last Sunday my co-worker asked if I could watch Angel from 9am - 3pm.  I agreed, knowing that she would be a great playmate for my 2 year old.  When I picked Angel up at the nursing home, she was standing there with her suitcase, looking so unsure.  Her grandma said "she might be a little shy at first".  As I took Angels hand and led her away, I reassured her that we would return to grandma at 3pm.  I don't think she understood.  As soon as I got Angel out to the car I noticed she had a boogy nose. Damn, damn...obviously the start of a cold.  But because I didn't want to bring her back in to spend yet another shift in a nursing home, I took her home with me anyways. 

It turned out that Angel & Sammi played great together, and Angel wasn't shy.  She had no problems telling me "no" and blowing raspberries when not happy.... 

  

Life called, part 2

The train ride to Boston was fun....it was full of families going to the Ringling Bros. & Barnum Circus.  Usually train rides are a bit more uncomfortable; people ride pretending to read or sleep, seldom looking a person in the eye or smiling and saying hi.  Saturday's ride was different because the children were all so excited & animated....Their mood was contagious.

The seats were reasonably priced but the food & souveniers were outrageous.  We were close enough to see the tigers & elephants without binoculars, but far enough away so we couldn't be trampled or mauled.  I wanted cotton candy & was shocked to hear that it was 10.00!  What a rip-off, but I did get a souvenier paper hat with it, whoopee!!  Mike ordered a slushy for Sammi & that small ball of ice with food dye only cost 8.00.  The clown cup it came in is cute, but I'm sure we'll be selling it at the next yardsale for .50 cents.....

When we returned home, we were greeted with toilet water from the upstairs apartment dripping down from the ceiling into our bathroom. Can you say "gross?"  Mike's mom is a poor housekeeper (so I've been told; I've never been upstairs to visit in 4 years!) so I didn't even want to imagine what her toilet looked like. Mike went upstairs and repaired the problem, so now there is no more toilet water dripping into my bathroom.  But I do have a lovely hole in the ceiling.  It's always something....

                            That's life....

                               Maybe I won't answer next time....

Nah, who am I kidding?  It's better than the alternative : )

Life called...

Life called and I had to answer it......

Saturday was a crazy day.  We have been in the process of uncluttering our lives; in order to do that we have cluttered other peoples lives by having yardsales, "Buy our clutter, please??"  We made about $370., my 15 year old son made $190. ( he sold off childhood collections of beanie babies and baseball cards).  I think we have more stuff than most couples, because when we became engaged almost 4 years ago, I sold & packed up my house of 15 years.  Put my life in boxes and taped them shut. I rented a storage unit & then moved to a different state.  I've never regretted leaving my old life, it was a life best forgotton for the most part....

I moved in with Mike (a 43 yr old bachelor) and his house lacked any presense of female domestication. (With the exception of a few lone earrings, sandals, some tampax in the bathroom & a few items of female clothes, a few sizes smaller than me, might I add).  Posters of dogs playing pool were art work, his animals had the run of the house & furniture.  I think he owned 4 forks and 2 plates, lol.  It's been a long 4 years, but FINALLY his house is becoming my house too.  In the past year, it's feeling like home.  One only has to walk into the front hallway to know that this is a house where a woman lives.... (Old girlfriends take note, lol).

After our yardsale on Saturday, some friends came over at 1pm.  We jumped the train into Boston & went to see the circus. 

.....(sigh) To be continued later, life calls again....

                     ....Mommy's coming Mikey....      

The Curse Struck Again....

Mini Mike woke up crying the second the Yankees won....
Bless his heart my lil Red Sox fan, lol...

All I have to say is...
     !!@$$?!!
      and Go MARLINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I can't watch anymore!!

OMG, being a long-time suffering Red Sox fan I just can't watch anymore....  It's the bottom of the 8th inning & suddenly momentum seems to be swinging in the Yankee's favor.  Arghhhhhhh....I can't believe I shut the tv off, but I did! I came here so I won't go over there and check the score.  OMG, my heart and all it's palpitations can't take this, lol...

(My Grandmother was a HUGE fan of the Red Sox, not a fair weather fan like me).  Dear Memere, you looking down from up above??  Tell Babe Ruth to stop with the curse already!! 

Just scared

Posting just because I'm scared.  Trying not to panic; because being a nurse my brain tends to over-react when things aren't right with my health.  Besides, I'm staying focused that all is fine & this is just some fluke thing.

About 4 weeks ago I started having alot of heart palpitations. At first I would think, "ooooh, that was weird".  But after having it happen regularly for over a week, I called the Dr.  She put me on a 24 hour holter monitor to record my heart beats last week; today I just got the results.  Apparently I'm having 3 PVC's (premature ventricular contractions) per hour.  She said that was a pretty significant number but they can occur in healthy people.  She is just concerned because she wants to know why this is suddenly happening to a seemingly healthy 41 year old. (sigh) 

So now she is setting me up for a stress test to monitor how my heart reacts when I exercise.  I guess it will be a better indicator if these palpitations are harmless or related to heart disease.  She informed me that there is a 50% false-positive result with the test; so I should not freak out if she calls me to say I failed.  If I do fail, I will then go on for a Thalium test.  But 1 step at a time. (bigger sigh)...

Anyways, sitting here very aware of my beating heart right now & feeling all funny.  Can't help going to that place of "what if" but trying so hard to stay positive.  ~~Could really use some comforting words right now, because the ones I'm typing in this journal aren't helping a bit.

...just scared    

Pet Peeve

Because I have nothing deep or witty to say, I'll write about one of my pet peeves.  I was just reminded of this pet peeve while preparing chicken for supper last night.  I do love to cook, but before starting, I have to pull the batteries out of the smoke detectors because I always set them off.  When my son hears the smoke alarm go off, he says...."Oh good, Mom's cooking".

First let me start off by saying, that I am so thankful to live in a country where I can buy my chicken with beaks and feet not attached.  Don't want to sound ungrateful.  Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't complain, but hey, it's my journal and I'll complain if I want to, dammit! ...lol...

Why OH WHY does the poultry industry feel the need to stuff the innards back into a chicken or turkey?  Seriously, who actually eats those things?  I have heard of people making gizzard stuffing (what the hell is a gizzard?), and how many gizzards do you need to make a stuffing?  And the neck? OMG, I can't help but imagine some frustrated poultry farmer telling an uncooperative chicken, "come here or I'll break your neck and stick it where the sun don't shine!"  I've tried different ways of getting that bag of organ goodies out of the chicken cavity.  Besides my usual method of shutting my eyes and reaching in blindly, then slinging the disgusting mess into the sink; I've tried rinsing it out with the force of cold water, not very effective.  I've even tried using tongs but that requires that you keep your eyes open.  Heck, I've even hung it like a pinata & smacked the !!@%?! out of it.  I suggest wearing protective eye wear if you try this method.

Well, I for one am not going to do it anymore.  Yes, me "Michelle, the middle child peace-maker who goes with the flow" rebels!  I will no longer stick my hand into that slimy, cold, samonella laden poultry cavity.  I now cook all my chickens and turkeys stuffed; because that little pouch of grossness stays right where it was unceremoniously placed.  Ok, so Martha Stewart I'm not.  But hey, at least I'm not looking at any jail time. : )

My Night At The Fair

My night at the fair ended up being quite enjoyable.  Before we left I had a pounding headache, so I wasn't really into going at all.  Actually wished I could have just curled up in my bed and gone to sleep.  Instead I popped a few tylenol, loaded the gang in the car and departed.  When we got to the fair we gave our 15 yr old some money & off he went with his best friend.  Teens are funny creatures, still needing us more than ever, yet easily embarrassed if seen out in public with their parents.  We only saw him two other times during the night. #1) to get more money #2) when it was time to go home.  

I just love fairs at night.  With all the lights, smells of greasy foods & noises.  It was fun watching the lil one's reactions to everything.  They watched in what was a combination of uncertainty & delight.  I rode with them on the carousel, oh, what memories it all brought back from my childhood.  Mike & I both rode with them on the little train in Kiddie Land.  We sat in the seats with our knees hitting our chins & I do think the train was maxed out on it's weight limit.  Talk about the little train that could.  I swear I heard the train let out a sigh of relief when we got off, lol.

Sammi (2) ate her first corndog and LOVED it.  Mikey kept trying to grab a piece for himself but only managed to eat some of the breading.   Probably a good thing seeing he still only has 6 teeth.  We saw a 1,330 lb pumpkin, a huge sand sculpture, played a few games & scurried past the cows that had their tails lifted in anticipation of doing, well, what cows do best. (I'm NOT talking about moo'ing, lol).   We all left the fair at 10pm happy & exhausted. 

~~But what I want to know is, how the heck did we spend $140 on two scrawny animal prizes & a couple of corndogs?

It's Not Fair!!

It's not fair that everytime I decide to stay up late, one of the babies decide it's time to get up at 3am.  It never fails and last night was no exception.  I happily flopped into bed around 1:30am, and Mikey (1) decides it's time to get up at 2:48am. I stared at the alarm clock thru blurred eyes in disbelief & muttered a few words that I'm sure will keep me off the *Mother of the Year* awards list.   I think babies are born cute for a reason.  I do believe if they weren't so cute, moms half crazed from sleep deprivation would eat their young more often, lol.  

So here we are this morning.... Mikey is all bright eyed & bushy tailed; happily babbling to himself in a language that no one but perhaps the family dog understands.  While I sit here sipping my 2nd cup of coffee counting down the hours until nap time. 

                         Hmmmmm, suppose NOW is too early? : )~

Seeing the World again...

At age 41, I once again am blessed to see the world thru a child's eye.... 

My lover, My best friend....

On our honeymoon April 2002....  

(I was 5 months pregnant with our son Mikey)

My 1st journal entry....

With my 2 year old daughter dancing along to the Wiggles & my 1 year old son still sleeping I've decided to try and write my 1st entry.... This could be a very short lived first attempt, lol.  Private time is at a premium these days & so precious. Calgon take me away!!!   Having trouble even going to the bathroom alone. (Yeah, yeah more information than you needed, lol).  I'm not sure how I feel about having a journal online & am feeling a bit self conscious at the moment. But writing has always been very therapeutic to me, so I'm going to give this a shot.  Hopefully as time passes, I'll care less about who may be reading this.

Last night we were supposed to go to the fair, gotta LOVE that fair food!  We never made it because I had a holter monitor put on yesterday to record my heart for 24 hours. I thought that having the monitor would be no problem.  I foolishly envisioned it would be a small discreet box.  Well, can we say MUCH bigger than imagined with 4 different colored wires hanging out?  Talk about feeling self conscious!  The hospital told me if I go in public I should cover it; people get nervous these days due to terrorism.  So that comment sealed my fate.  We'll go to the fair on Weds. when I'm free of this contraption.  Weird how you never think about your heart unless something funky begins to happen with it.  Anyways for the past 2 weeks I've been having heart palpitations, not a clue why.  It's just the strangest sensation to feel your heart skip a beat or flutter....  

The Dr. asked if I had any stress in my life. Hahaha...with a teenager & 2 toddlers why would anyone think that??   Well, I hear my life calling me (That would be my 1 year old from his crib).  First entry accomplished.  ***whew***

                                ~~Until next time