My "Friday Memere"

This is the time of year that I always think of my Memere.  She passed away unexpectedly 11 years ago, three days after Christmas.  Seems unreal, could it really be 11 years?  I still miss her, I always will.  She was my "Friday Memere".  Memere always arrived on Friday afternoons with a box of Devil Dogs or Hostess chocolate covered donuts.  After kisses and hugs, goodies were devoured.  I think it never ceased to amaze her at how quickly six kids could polish off a box of Devil Dogs in under 5 minutes. Memere always smelled so wonderful; Estee' Lauder perfume and Canadian pink mints.  It's amazing how the sense of smell can evoke such strong memories.  I have a little winter white purse that belonged to my Memere.  It was one of a few items I took after her death.  After bringing it home I opened it up and suddenly I could smell my Memere.  At first it was unsettling, the pain was too raw then. As I looked into the purse I discovered a perfectly folded embroidered hanky, a coat pin and inside a zippered compartment, a little gold metal case that holds my Memere's favorite perfume.  I have since used that purse for special occasions, but Memere's things are still in there.  And now when the purse is opened, smelling her perfume brings me comfort.  Oh my Memere....

As much as I loved my Memere (and she loved me) there is guilt.  There is that wish that I spent more time with her, that I tried harder when she attempted to show me how to crochet.  I still can't crochet.  I wish I had asked for her fudge recipe, she made it every Christmas, it was delicious.   Everyone believes they have tomorrow to make things right, to get that fudge recipe, to say I love you....

But tomorrow is never promised.  That wish for just one more day with my Memere inspired a poem/song I wrote one Christmas for my Mom, her daughter.  **The poem "I Wish" is below**

I Wish

I wish that you could watch my son
grow up and become a man.
Want to walk along the seashore
holding your hand.

I wish I watched you longer
as you walked across the floor.
I wish that I could tell you...
I love you, once more.

I wish I possessed your shy smile
your quiet, gentle way.
I want to hear your voice once more,
I'd listen to all you say.

I wish I had more pictures of you
to hang where all could see.
But all I have are a precious few,
thank God for memories.

I wish I'd asked you about your past,
how your girlhood days were spent.
Laughing at life, did the years go fast?
Now gone, forever silent....

I wish I had gone to church with you
and prayed to the Lord above.
Grant to me your endless devotion
and unconditional love.

I wish you were here at Christmas time,
your favorite time of year.
Lay baby Jesus in the hay,
with Mary hovering near.

Dear Santa, I wish for one more day
to make these wishes come true.
But life doesn't always give second chances,
....So now I sing to you.

I wish that you could watch my son
grow up and become a man.
Want to walk along the seashore
holding your hand.

I wish I watched you longer
as you walked across the floor.
I wish that I could tell you,
I love you once more.
Wish that I could tell you....    

Desperately Seeking Santa....

I worked all night Friday and Saturday 7pm -7am.  EVERYONE is sick, residents and staff.  And as careful as I tried to be, I just know I'll be getting sick too.  I was bombarded by too many germs :::sigh::: Ah well, hopefully it will hold off until after Christmas.  There's just too much to do to get sick now.....    

Yesterday Sammi asked to see Santa Claus.  So at 3pm we decided to brave the mall crowds and find him.  We found him at the first mall, well sort of.  His elves were there and said Santa would be returning in 15 minutes.  I decided that we should use that time and do some much needed shopping.  Mike just wanted to wait and then shop.  Against his better judgement we went shopping.  One hour later we went back to see Santa, but his chair was empty.  Then we heard a "HO, HO, HO" down the corridor, it was Santa!!  We tried to chase him down; me pushing the stroller with Mikey, Mike with Sammi in his arms, but alas, Santa has left the building.  Of course I got the "I told you so, Michelle!"  But seriously, what Santa leaves a packed mall for the night filled with parents and kids at 5pm?  On Christmas week?  We decided to leave that mall & go to another.  Please Santa be there!

He was!  And he was even better than the other one.  A real beard and no body padding.  Hey, I think I believed he was the real thing... Sammi was so excited at first, but as we inched closer and closer towards Santa, she became nervous.  When it was finally our turn, she wouldn't look at him while she sat on his lap.  Mikey had no idea who this fat guy in the red suit was, he kept staring at his sister wondering what she was so happy about.  When the shock of this IS Santa wore off, she told him her Christmas wish list.  "I want new markers, a doggy and a car."  

A car? Yup, a car!  ...That's my girl! 

 

Christmas Memory Part 2

When we reached the back of the store where the butcher shop was, my dad opened the huge walk-in freezer door.  In anticipation of what we might see, we all peeked in.  There in the freezer were 3 or 4 deer hanging upside down by their hooves.  Then my dad exclaimed, "Kids, there won't be any Christmas this year because all of Santa's reindeer are dead."  I think my Dad expected us to say "No siiiirrrr, those aren't Santa's reindeer" etc, etc... I do know he did not expect the reaction he got.  All four of us instantly began wailing.  My oldest brother kept saying that he thought one of them was Rudolph, which of course made us even more hysterical.  My Mom rushed up behind us to see why we were all crying.  When she discovered what happened, she started speaking angrily to my Dad in french.  (My folks are bilingual.  And while growing up they always spoke french when angry or when trying to keep a secret from the kids.)

My poor Dad tried to convince us he was only joking, bribing us with ice cream did help a little.:::smile:::  Looking back today, I can only imagine how he must have felt when he realized his joke backfired in such a BIG way. I remember leaving the store that day, still wondering if those really were Santa's reindeer. All doubts were gone a few weeks later.

We were awoken on Christmas Eve by my parents saying "Wake up, Santa was here." We rushed down the stairs as fast as our pj'd feet would carry us.  The Christmas tree lights were on with carols softly playing in the background. Surrounding the Christmas tree were tons of presents that surely only Santa and his reindeer could have brought in his magic sleigh.

Onward Dasher, Comet & Vixen. May the spirit of Christmas and the innocence of believing in Santa live forever in our childrens hearts....       

Christmas Memory

One of my earliest Christmas memories is a bit traumatic.  Fortunately the trauma was short-lived because Rudolph really DID come that year.  Maybe I should explain....My Dad has always been a prankster, he loves to play jokes on people. His fellow firefighters and family were his favorite victims of well thought out schemes,but sometimes his jokes backfired.  I blame him today for my warped sense of humor, I think it's genetic... 

My Pepere (grandfather) owned a little grocery store for many years until he retired.  My dad worked part time for his dad on weekends. It was always fun to go visit my Dad and Pepere when he was working.  We used to run out back and say hi to Speedy the butcher and we always got a free ice cream.  Nutty Buddies were my favorite.  One morning my Mom took my three brothers and me for our usual visit.   It was mid-November (hunting season) and we were all so excited for Christmas.  I think I was about 4, so my brothers were 3, 6 & 7 years old.  We all believed in Santa & his flying reindeer.  This time when we arrived at the store, my Dad greeted us and said, "Kids, I have bad news for you, follow me...."  So all 4 of us dutifully followed my Dad to the back of the store. 

Where does time go?

"I wish that you could watch my son grow up to be a man...

Walk along the seashore holding your hand.

I wish I watched you longer as you walked across the floor,

I wish that I could tell you, I love you once more...." 

Those are a few lines from a song I wrote for my Memere(grandmother).  She died almost 11 years ago a few days after Christmas. But it is not her that I want to talk about today; rather about the son that I wished she could see grow up into a man...

My first-born son Spencer has turned 16 today!  It seems as if it was just yesterday (ok, maybe last week) that he was still a small child. Yet, here he is somehow growing up into a young man right before my eyes.  Where does time go? Today I gave him the day off from school & he wants to go to the registry to get his learner's driving permit.  Knowing he'll soon be a teen driver on the road scares the hell out of me.  I think the hardest part of parenting is allowing my child to become independent.  I can only hope that the morals I've attempted to instill in him, will guide him, as he begins his journey to adulthood...

I wish life would slow down a bit, I don't think I'm ready for this.       

Christmas Thru My Child's Eye...

The kids are so excited, Christmas is on the way...

"Hey it's snowing out, can we please go out to play?"

We create snowmen with scarfs and buttons that are black.

Flap arms and legs making snow angels while lying on our backs.   

When noses get red it's time for children to go in,

Sweet frothy hot chocolate drip down their chins.  

Decorating the Christmas tree, ornaments and lights.

Singing Christmas carols off key, Oh, "Silent Night".

Going to visit Santa Claus, whispering in his ear,

"Dear Santa please bring me.... I've been good this year."

Looking out the window hoping Santa they will spy,

Believing in flying reindeer, never asking why....

Read "Twas The Night Before Christmas" now time for bed.

Listening for jingle bells and Santa's magic sled.

Wake early in the morning, tip toe to the tree.

"Santa's been here!" little voices shout with glee.

Smiling I get up, it's only 5am? :::sigh:::

Oh, the joy of seeing Christmas,

Thru my child's eye.... 

Can I Drag Links Over?

Please excuse me while I continue to find out what I can & can't do here at my journal.  But while you're here, feel free to click on the link for your holiday cup of cheer.  Free, no charge, no calories!  I really am starting to get in the holiday spirit now. I have 20 nephews & neices to buy for (big family), and last night Mike & I were able to find gifts for almost all, except 3. Thank you BIG LOTS.  We started shopping for the babies last night too.  We bought Sammi a little kitchen and Mikey a vacuum cleaner.  He LOVES vacuums!  Tonight we will go buy our tree and decorate it.  We'll see how decorated it stays with a 1 & 2 year old in the house :::smiling::: Hmmm, are lego's and teething rings considered ornaments?      

JustSayWow.com <!~~ Click for your Cup of Holiday Cheer

If the link doesn't work it's because it's worn out from me having to play this over and over and over and over(I think you get the idea) again for the babies ...

Seasons Greetings

We Got 3 Feet Of Snow

This past weekend a nor-easter blew thru & left behind almost 3 feet of snow.  Much to the delight of my lil' ones.  This was the first time that Mikey remembers seeing snow.   Last December he was only 4 months old.......

This pic looks like it was taken at night time (it does get dark here early in the winter). This pic was taken at 5pm. 

 

More About Me.... Part 4

At 3am a resident in end stage kidney failure begins to put her call-light on.  She asks, "Do you see that man in plaid over there? He's on the ceiling.  I want him to go away, please make him go away."  When I tell her that I don't see anyone, she insists that he is there.  "See?" she says, while pointing up.  Is it a hallucination or could she be seeing someone?  I do believe that people can see loved ones when their time is near, perhaps to help guide them home?  In any case, I've seen too much evidence of angels not to believe.  (That's another post).  Because the man in plaid refused to leave,(who says dead men don't wear plaid?) we brought Theresa up to the nurses station to stay with us.  She instantly relaxed and fell asleep.  The rest of the shift passed quickly and without incident.  That is until I walked out the door.

It was a winter wonderland.  The storm was still in full force and although I was exhausted, the beauty of the sheer force of mother nature was undeniable.  Then I looked over to where my truck was parked & saw a white mound. Awe of mother nature was replaced with cursing. After spending 15 minutes digging it out I could not open the doors, they were frozen shut. I just want to go home and sleep after a 12 hour shift. After finally breaking into my truck, I turned on the ignition.  YES!  It started, bed here I come!!  ....I wish.  That truck would not move an inch forwards or in reverse.  I was stuck.  Too aggravated to try anymore & afraid I might cry if I went inside and asked for help, I decided to walk home.  Of course I wasn't dressed to be walking in a blizzard, but adrenaline is a wonderful thing.  After a 25 minute trek (with one quick stop in a donut shop to buy coffee/donuts for Mike & the kids) I got home & finally flopped into bed.:::singing::: "Sleep in heavenly peace.."

The weatherman was wrong on his prediction of 18" of snow.  We got almost 3 feet, 34" to be exact.  School is closed again tomorrow...        

More About Me.... Part 3

       

The shift seemed to mirror the weather outside, conditions spiraling downward. Nursing, just like New England weather is unpredictable.  That's one of the things I love about my job.  Every day is different.... 

At 1:50am one of the CNA's came up to me & said, "Mary just fell down and Norma just died."  Norma's death wasn't a shock, some may even say it was a blessing. She was 89 years old and had been very sick for the past week.  Having said that, I'll never get used to people dying. It's a part of my job that haunts me if I think about it too much. After 11 years in nursing, I still feel I don't know the right words to say to a family.  Saying I'm sorry seems so inadequate. No matter how old a parent may be, no one is ever fully prepared to say good-bye to their mother or father.  When I deal with the passing of a resident, it makes me reflect, if even for a second, about my own mortality.... That's one of the things I hate about my job. 

Mary was fine and sustained no injuries (except maybe to her ego) from her fall. Looking up to the heavens and saying a silent thank you.  But a prayer won't help me get the funeral parlor to come get Norma tonight.  The storm is raging now, with gusts to 60mph.  Roads are almost impassable.  So I must leave Norma in her room until the next shift & pretend that all is ok while tending to her roommate.  "Silent night, holy night all is calm...."

No, not calm yet....

More About Me...Part 2

"Silent night all is calm all is bright..." Well, maybe not so calm.  While I was at work Saturday night (my shift is 7pm til 7am) a nor'easter blew in. I had heard that up to 18" was predicted. I was already dreading the thought of having to clean my car off in the morning.  Oh well, this is New England.  As the locals say, "if you don't like the weather wait a minute it'll change."

The shift started off pretty quiet, unfortunately that quiet would not last.  I went about my work monitoring stats,taking vital signs, administering nebulizer treatments, changing colostomy appliances, wound dressings & passing scheduled medications.  I began writing in the charts at 11pm when I heard weeping.  Upon entering the room Theresa was there very distressed. She asked, "Am I losing my mind?  If I am call Jimmy, I don't want to be here."  Theresa has Alzheimers. After trying to console her, I brought her down to the nurses station to visit with us. One cup of tea later & some TLC, Theresa relaxed, but not enough to go back to bed.  She spent the shift awake with us girls happily chatting away.  At midnight I heard moaning & then a voice, "Oh God, help me."  I ran in the room & one of our male residents was about to be sick. As I went for the basin, I saw that he was about to vomit... (It seemed as if I was in slow motion as I rushed back to him with the basin) My brain screamed N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!  I made it back in time, but I got the dreaded splash. (fingers crossed it's not the flu.) Yes, bodily fluids often hit parts of my body and I always pray "please,not in the eyes." As the vomit hit my wrist, I resisted the urge to immediately go wash my wrist and sterilize with an alcohol wipe; instead I pretended that nothing happened & stayed with him until he was done.  The night went downhill from there....             

More About Me....

 I haven't spoken much about my occupation & although some may call it a job because it pays my bills, I feel that it is a calling.  My desire to help care for those who can't help themselves was something I felt in my soul; my schooling & training made it possible.  Currently I'm a nurse in a nursing/rehab center.  Although I have held several different positions as a middle-school nurse, home hospice nurse & assistant to a maxial facial surgeon, my heart remains with geriatrics. I would someday like to specialize in Alzheimers....  That being said, let me tell you about my shift Saturday night.

As I walked into the building the voices of Christmas caroler's were wafting in the air...."Silent night, Holy night, all is calm all is bright..."  I love Christmas music but for some reason hearing Christmas music in a nursing home setting always brings a tear to my eye.  Maybe it's all those "I'll Be Home For Christmas" sentiments; because the reality is most of these people will never go home again....

Getting In The Christmas Spirit

Christmas is fast approaching.  My television & teenaged son remind me of this fact on a daily basis.  His Christmas list changes constantly.  A few days ago he was hinting around for a 398.00 MP3 player.  When I winced at the price, he chimed in his usual response "but Mom, I'll have it FOREVER." I can't tell you how many forever presents are no longer in his possession.  They were either sold to upgrade for a bigger/better model, borrowed by a friend or dropped & broken by his 2 year old sister. That was the fate suffered by his last CD player. (Hey, I told him NOT to leave it on the kitchen table::sigh:: )  Tonight he asked for a Chia Pet. Huh?? Do they still make those?  Apparently they do because he really wants one.  He'll have it forever...lol.  

I'm trying to get in the Christmas Spirit, but I'm just not feeling it yet. Not feeling like Scrooge, but definitely don't have that tra-la-la magic stirring in my soul.  Truthfully, I get overwhelmed with the process of trying to find the perfect gift for everybody.  And being the procrastinator that I am, I haven't even started shopping. Tonight in an attempt to jumpstart my lagging holiday enthusiasm, I've decorated my journal with a new holiday look. But I couldn't get those darn blinking lights working.  Who needs lights anyways? BAHHHHH...humbug?