Date Night PART 2

It didn't take me long to realize we were heading towards Boston.  I just love Boston at night, esepcially this time of year with all the lights.  We actually held hands while riding.  I know, no big deal to you, but to me it was.  Usually our hands are full trying to hand back snacks, bottles or toys.  We seldom get to have a conversation in the car, because we are busy singing silly kid songs.  "The wheels on the bus go round-n-round..."  Tonight hands were free to hold & conversation was free to flow.  Unfortunately, I found myself gabbing away about the kids.  MAN, I need a life!!  : )

We ate at a seafood restuarant with great ambience, McCormicks & Shcmidts. The restuarant even had white cloth napkins and not a gold Burger King crown in sight.  It was so nice to eat without worrying about flying food & prodding fingers digging in my plate. After eating & having a glass of wine we strolled off towards the theatre district in Boston. When we reached the Stuart Playhouse, the date destination was finally revealed.  We had tickets to see Stomp.  We sat in the 7th row. If you've never seen ads for Stomp, it's a bit hard to describe.  There's lots of rythmn not only with their bodies, but with trash cans, brooms, toilet plungers, even the kitchen sink.  The show was also very funny & for the first time in awhile I actually laughed out loud at something other than my kids. It was great, really...

Well, I should be in bed now.  I'm sure the babies will be up at the crack of dawn and date night isn't quite over with yet....::::wink, wink::::  

                           Locking the bedroom door.....     

Date Night....

Mike took me out on a date tonight, just the two of us.  Despite my questions & subtle snooping around,he managed to keep our destination a secret all week long.  Having it be a surprise was fun, but trying to decide what to wear to who knows where was torture!  After much trepidition & ripping thru my closet whining "I have nothing to wear" I settled on a lil black dress (because that works for all occasions, right?)  Well, I decided to wash it on delicate cycle, (even tho the label said Dry Clean Only )  Ok, I'll admit it. Not only do I often ignore those labels, but I also always pull those tags off the pillows that say Do Not Remove Under Penalty Of Law. A rebel aren't I? Anyways, I have washed the dress many times before with no problems.  Tonight was the exception. The dress has 2 layers & somehow the top layer shrunk leaving the bottom layer of the dress hanging out like some granny slip.  I felt like Ellie May from the Beverly Hillbillies.  I ended up wearing a holiday sweater & a pair of pants. I feared I might be under-dressed, but didn't care.  I just didn't like the way any of my clothes fit me after celebrating Thanksgiving twice!

At 6pm we were on our way....  

     

Sweet Things In Life

This morning I peeled a banana for the 2 babies to eat.  Sammi broke off the top half of the banana.  It was ripe and unblemished.  As I continued to peel the rest of the banana, I discovered that the banana had brown patches. As I gave Mikey this less-than-perfect piece of fruit I was reminded of a fond memory.  When growing up none of us wanted the brown part of the banana.  But mom would always say, "the brown part of the banana is the sweetest part."  

I'm thankful for the sweet things in life,

I'm thankful to be my husband's wife.

I'm thankful for the sweet smells of my babies after a bath,

I'm thankful that my teenage son doesn't need my help in math.

I'm thankful for.....

A friend, not a telemarketer, calling,

The sound of my old car not stalling.

The soft feel of my bunny's fur,

The content sound of my cats purr.

The roof (although leaking) over my head,

Warm flannel sheets keeping me warm in bed.

Food in the fridge, plenty to eat,

Enough money to make ends meet.

The laughter & giggles of children at play,

Waking up in the morning; a brand new day.

All these sweet things in life warm my heart.

And remember...

The brown part of a banana is the sweetest part. 

Holiday Reminder PART 3

My babies see him at family gatherings during the holidays & at birthday parties.  But they do not know him.  My brother looks thru them like they do not exist.  He's never waved "hi" at them, when they smile up at him he does not return the smile.  He's never attempted to pick them up to give them a hug, talk to them or touch their soft curly hair.  I do not exist, so therefore neither do they.  To see my innocent children be treated in such a callous manner breaks my heart.  But because I do not acknowledge him, I cannot let him see the tears.

My Mom is hopeful that we will one day reconcile.  I don't see how that's possible.  I've lived a lifetime in 2 years...(I've had 2 babies & remarried a wonderful man) and he has chosen not to be a part of my life.  I'm not sure I can forgive that.  I wish we had stayed angry at each other, yelled at each other.  Something.  At least when one fights it's because the other person means something to you...  Silence means I don't love you, you aren't worth it, you are nothing. 

So Thanksgiving is once more upon us & the holiday reminder of I lost my brother's love rears it's ugly head.  Maybe tomorrow I'll write about my many blessings to be thankful for, but today I'm sad.  I wish I had the answer on how to end this silence, I have none.

Hey God, it's me Michelle....

                     ....I've got a question to ask you 

Holiday Reminder PART 2

"Why did you stay?" has to be the #1 question people ask a woman who has stayed in an abusive relationship.  My own Dad asked it.  And there is no one easy answer. My answer was "because".  Because I felt I could change him, because of our son, because of my religion, because I felt I was expected to stay, because I loved my sister-in-law, because I lived a comfortable life financially, because I didn't want to lose my friends, because of foolish pride, because of shame.  Because, because, because....  I think the universal because is "Because I'm afraid no one will believe me".  Unfortunately that fear became my reality.  Sadly my oldest brother did not believe me.  Where did my defender, my partner in crime during our childhood go to?  Instead of defending me against lies spewed by others, he chose to nod his head in agreement. 

The strain of our relationship came to a head shortly after the birth of my 2 yr old daughter.  There were no flowers, no cards, no visits to the hospital, no phone calls or emails to congratulate me.  Only silence.  Two weeks passed before I found the courage to confront him and ask what I did wrong.  I told him that I was hurt that he ignored the birth of my daughter.  His reply?  "Get over it".  Emotionally charged e-mails were exchanged, but nothing was resolved.  Once again silence reigned. We have not spoken or written a word to each other since.  I thought that eventually bad feelings would blow over, but 2 years later that silence only grows louder....      

Holiday Reminder...

 In honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, I wanted to write down all the reasons of why I'm thankful.  There are many....  Instead I find myself thinking about the loss of my brother's love.  Holidays are the harshest reminders of this void in my life. 

I'm not sure how it happened; but something changed almost 5 years ago after I revealed that my marriage was unraveling.  I guess I didn't see the changes at first.  The emotional turmoil that a divorce causes totally encompassed me.  At that time I can honestly say I wasn't a very good friend or sister.  I seldom called friends because I was tired of hearing (or feeling) "I miss you and Kevin together".  Social situations with mutual couple friends became awkward.  I also withdrew from my family. It was as if I had wrapped a cocoon around myself.  I didn't emerge until my spirit had begun to heal & I was ready to spread my wings to fly once again.  I foolishly thought that all my friends & family would be there when I emerged.  I was wrong....   

"I Yub You"

"I yub you, you yub me...."  that is the tune my 2 yr old Sammi was singing this morning(Barney's theme song). Even with my eyes burning from lack of sleep, it made me smile. All three kids are sick now, cough, runny nose, not sleeping well at night.  Spencer stayed home from school today, which actually works out pretty good.  I'll still be able to make my dentist appointment at 11:15am.  It's pretty bad when you look forward to going to the dentist to get a break.  "Hey,doc...give me a little more novacaine, I want to have that numb feeling last really long today"  For the past 4 nights Sammi has been up by 3am.  I think it is a combination of the unfamiliarity with her BIG girl bed,her cold (she has it the worst) & the fact that she has the attention span of a pesky mosquito.  I've had to get up and go to the livingroom with her.  I'm able to lock the gate to keep her in one place & I can snooze on the couch, sort of....

SCREAM...... that is just what I heard this second.  As I quickly looked around the corner, I found a speaker on top of Sammi & a lamp on the floor.  Apparently she wanted a nutcracker I placed on top of the speaker.  Sam,speaker,lamp & nutcracker are all unscathed. My life, gotta love it. (And I do, really).

My time here this morning has come to an end.  I think I smell a poop (too bad technology doesn't allow you to download smells yet, because I would share, lol.)  I'll get back to normal journaling as soon as these babies are healthy again.  Until then I'll enjoy the sweet chirpings of song....

"I yub you, you yub me....e-i-e-i-o"  :::smile::: that's how she ended her version

 

         

Journal Not Abandoned Part 2

I now put my toothbrush out of reach of curious 2 yr olds; no more swirlys.  Sammi spiked a fever of 104; too much toilet water ingested?? Mikey had a petit mal seizure;I'll write more on this later. I cancelled my long awaited stress test because of too much stress at home, so reasons for my PVC's will have to wait until my new appt. Jan 8th,03

Attempted to pay bills; couldn't find the time

Took care of 2 clinging babies not feeling well, Thurs night Mike brought me home flowers, wine & we got take out LOVE my man! We ate chinese food while watching "Survivor" I LOVE that show.  Rupert is 'da man! Had an appt. with the bank to get an equity loan. Did I tell you we need a NEW roof?? 

IMMEDIATELY????  Not good timing for replacing a roof in New England

Worked Friday & Sat. 7pm until 7am, I work 24 hours get paid 32 hours.  Not a bad deal & it allows me to stay home with the kiddos'. Finally found some shoes that actually fit Mikey's chubby lil feet; No easy FEAT I tell ya...Bought Sammi a BIG GIRL bed, went to Spencer's music schools Bavarian fest; a fundraiser for their trip to Frankenmuth MI next July.

Attempted to pay bills again, just too darn tired.... 

Well, this is a partial list but I think you get the idea.  Hoping this week will be calmer so I can try to read some of my fav journals & get caught up.  Hey and maybe I'll even pay a few bills : )

   

   

Journal Not Abandoned

Oh my journal, I haven't abandoned you.... Life just gets so busy sometimes.  Although there are 24 hours in a day, I seldom have 1 minute for myself.  Not complaining tho, because someday I know I'll look back and long for these days again....(maybe:::smile:::)

We finally had our gas leak fixed in our house.  You see, I gave permission to our 15 yr old son Spencer to move the truck in the driveway.  He's done it before without any incident. WELL, this time he apparently confused the gas pedal & the brake and he plowed into our gas meter on the house.  Spence is fine, but the truck sustained some damage & the jolt caused a gas leak on the joint of a pipe in the basement. NOTE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC: Get off the road ASAP.  Spence will be on the road by December...  You've been warned!

Maybe it would be easier and within the 2,500 character limit if I just made a list of my past week. 

NOTE: haha, even making a partial list I couldn't stay under the 2,500 so Part 2, here I come!

Nothing is sacred, PART 2

Upon entering the bathroom I saw that she had all the toothbrushes out.  Lookin' up at me with big brown eyes she asked, "Brusha my teesth?"  Being in a hurry to leave I said "not now" and began putting the toothbrushes away.  I noticed that my toothbrush bristles were soaked.  Hmmm, weird that my toothbrush should still be wet.  But I was in a hurry & didn't analyze what that might mean.

While visiting my folks, I told them about how I found Sammi in the bathroom wanting to brush her teeth.  I said, ".....of course she couldn't brush her teeth because she can't reach the faucets to turn on the water...." WAIT!! (brain freak) She can't turn on the faucets & my toothbrush was wet!  It was more than wet, it was soaked.  Oh, the horror, my toothbrush got a swirly by Sammi!  On the way back home we stopped at Walmarts, I bought a new toothbrush.  Is nothing sacred anymore?

Today while the world was solemnly celebrating Veterans Day, my darling 2 year old daughter is still celebrating Independence Day....       

Nothing is sacred....

See that little face up there?? That sweet innocent face sleeping nose to nose with her teddy bear? Those days are over.... She has found out that she can climb out of her crib and is LOVING her new-found independence.  And I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since....

The first time Sammi climbed out of her crib undetected, she wandered over to the dog food dishes.  I guess she was trying to feed our dog, but got a bit carried away.  She emptied about 25 pounds of dog kibble on the floor before I noticed.  And there was our dog Vixen, smiling I swear, trying to eat up the massive amount of kibble.  burp.....

She has explored many places of the house in recent days, but her favorite destination is the bathroom.  We've put a lock at the top of the door so she can't go in, but unfortunately my teenager can't seem to remember to lock it when exiting the bathroom.  I shouldn't be surprised considering he can't remember to lower the toilet seat or put the cap back on the toothpaste, lol.  Today while getting things ready in the kitchen to go out, I suddenly realized that it was too quiet.  That only means one thing, Sammi is in the bathroom.... 

Dear Mom and Dad

I began writing poetry when I was 12. One Thanksgiving all my siblings & I were reminiscing about our childhood.  We were having fun talking about the times we were bad & the punishments that followed, when my Mom chimed in,"Don't you remember the good times?" ....That question was the inspiration for this poem.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I remember the good times, they're not so long ago.

Allowances were a dime, sled rides in the snow.

I remember....

Dad at the piano playing "Paper Roses."

Mom always there to kiss bruised knee's and noses.

Summer cook-outs, eating chicken by the tons.

I didn't want to stop until Dad was done.

Car rides, songs, my favorite request.

Sing "Now Is The Hour" sung as a duet.

Toothfairies and Easter Bunnies, all roles played so well.

Lots of laughter, funny jokes at supper time to tell. 

Trips to the beach, running in the sand.

Afraid of the waves, I'd hold Dad's hand. 

Mom's singing voice what a beautiful sound,

She'd play the guitar as we danced around.

Sleepy Sunday mornings, going off to church.

Sitting in the willow tree upon my favorite perch. 

You came to all our concerts, track meets and the rest.

Sour notes, win or lose for you we tried our best.

I especially remember Christmas time; the fun I always had 

Decorating the Christmas tree, "Hey, where's Dad?"

Stockings filled, new pajama's, the smell of tourque' pies.

Presents surround the Christmas tree, stacked high up to the sky.

I thank you for all the memories, and all the mean to me.

Your laughter and love, the greatest gifts;

Will be your legacy....

Love, Michelle (s0ngbird)  

Once Upon A Time, Part 2

The beginning of the end of my old journal (and my marriage) happened on April 29, 1998. That was the night of a particularly bad fight & after writing in my journal, I began to flip back thru the pages.  As I was reading the first entry I wrote five years earlier, I had a thunderbolt moment. I realized that with the exception of the dates, the entries were almost identical.  Was I really this sad 5 years ago? Why had I stayed, would I stay another 5 years??  I was overwhelmed with emotion....  It was then that I decided, "NEVER AGAIN"  Never again would I allow him to hurt me, to belittle me & make me believe that somehow I deserved his crap. NEVER AGAIN!  I began writing entries that were empowering.  Seeing the words gave me strength & kept me sane.  I found a lawyer in May 1998 & never strayed from my decision....   I've saved that journal, really not sure why.  I haven't read or written in it since my divorce was final almost 5 years ago. It is a chapter permanently closed in my life.  There have been times when I have come close to destroying the journal.  When I underwent thyroid surgery 9 years ago, I worried about "what if".  What if something went wrong & I died, was that journal the legacy I wanted to leave my son?  And tho the answer was a resounding "NO" I could not bring myself to destroy the words from my past....

In many ways, I thank that journal for saving my life, for saving my soul, for opening my eyes that life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation.  It's hard to throw away an old friend; so now the journal is tucked away in the bottom drawer of my nightstand.  It lays silent now....

Yes, once upon a time I had another journal, but those were dark days then..... 

Once Upon A Time (Part 1)

Once upon a time I had another journal but those were dark days then..... 

Yes, my life wasn't always as wonderful as it is now.  Few people knew my pain; I found it easier to pretend that all was ok, rather than face the truth of my reality.  But it isn't that relationship (an abusive 15 year marriage) that I want to talk about. For those were very dark days, days that I thought my soul had died. It's a time in my life that is best not re-visited, for the pain and anger even now lingers. I've never regretted leaving ~~only wished I found the courage to do it sooner. I want to talk about my old journal & how my own written words finally made me realize it was time to leave ....  My old journal was a maroon hard covered daily calendar book with gold trim edges on the pages.  It didn't look like a journal & I liked that.  I always feared that it would be discovered & destroyed, so I took great care to protect my journal.  Once I hid it so well, that I actually lost my journal for a few weeks until I found it again.  That journal was the keeper of my secrets, my confidante.... Because I was living a lie, the words in my journal were brutally honest.  Many pages are stained from the salty bitter tears I cried....

In so many entries I wrote, "Can't somebody help me?"  Yet, I never reached out to another human to tell them of my sorrow, only wrote in that journal. 

Terrible Two's

I never believed in the terrible two's.... I honestly believed it was an excuse parent's used who couldn't control their children.  When my oldest was a toddler, I would see a child in public having a tantrum and think, "Thank God that's not MY child."  And walk smugly by them.  Well, guess what?  That child is MY child these days....

Ok, going to whine now, so stop reading if you don't want to hear it, lol...

Going to the grocery store alone with the 2 babies has become an almost impossible feat.  First of all, there's only room for one in the grocery cart seat.  I've tried putting the other child in the basket part, but food gets tossed out as fast as I put it in.  Or sometimes the food would get mangled beyond recognition....(Shhhhh....I admit to discreetly putting back a few loaves of bread that looked like a sack of potatoes were sitting on them, lol)  So there is always one child free.  Ever try pushing a full grocery cart while attempting to get the child in the seat to sit down & the other one to quit pulling things off the shelves and walk in the same direction?  Oh, and then there's that nifty grocery cart invention that has a little car built in under the cart. (Picture above in happier times).  The concept is cute, but before you know it Sammi is screaming because Mikey is beeping HER horn.  And then the mayhem begins.... So I usually end up putting Mikey back in the grocery cart seat & Sammi insists on walking because she doesn't want to ride in the car alone!  

Ok, so I believe in the terrible two's.... I want to apologize to the other parents for the smug thoughts I once possessed when walking by your child having a tantrum.  What comes around, goes around.  

               I sure hope Mikey isn't taking notes....