The beginning of the end of my old journal (and my marriage) happened on April 29, 1998. That was the night of a particularly bad fight & after writing in my journal, I began to flip back thru the pages. As I was reading the first entry I wrote five years earlier, I had a thunderbolt moment. I realized that with the exception of the dates, the entries were almost identical. Was I really this sad 5 years ago? Why had I stayed, would I stay another 5 years?? I was overwhelmed with emotion.... It was then that I decided, "NEVER AGAIN" Never again would I allow him to hurt me, to belittle me & make me believe that somehow I deserved his crap. NEVER AGAIN! I began writing entries that were empowering. Seeing the words gave me strength & kept me sane. I found a lawyer in May 1998 & never strayed from my decision.... I've saved that journal, really not sure why. I haven't read or written in it since my divorce was final almost 5 years ago. It is a chapter permanently closed in my life. There have been times when I have come close to destroying the journal. When I underwent thyroid surgery 9 years ago, I worried about "what if". What if something went wrong & I died, was that journal the legacy I wanted to leave my son? And tho the answer was a resounding "NO" I could not bring myself to destroy the words from my past....
In many ways, I thank that journal for saving my life, for saving my soul, for opening my eyes that life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation. It's hard to throw away an old friend; so now the journal is tucked away in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. It lays silent now....
Yes, once upon a time I had another journal, but those were dark days then.....
6 comments:
The amazing power of the written word! This was a very powerful entry!
Never Again! that's right. that must be indredibly freeing! I finally found your place again..and I bookmarked it this time! I am sorry you went through such a bad time :( but, as they say...it ends up making a better you, whenever we have to walk through the fire. save your journal, it will always remind you how far you have come, and then you should congratulate yourself! :) great entry.
Hey Babyshark, glad ya found me again : ) Absolutely lovin' the pictures over at your journal!! In hind sight, I'm not sorry I went thru what I did. It has made me a stronger person who now stands up for what she believes. I think it was my Mom that once told me that in order to know what happiness is, you must also experience sorrow. Having experienced a bad marriage, I can TOTALLY embrace how wonderful my new marriage/life is. Yes, Cinderella did finally find her happy ending :)
Hey, Michelle.
I know exactly what you mean by not being able to get rid of that Journal. I have one, too, just loaded with awful depressing stuff that I can't bear to read now because it's, well, depressing. But I can't throw it away, either.
I figure when it's time to let go . . . then I'll let it go. No words shall be cast aside until their time!
Powerful! Your own words saved your life. Even more powerful. Actually, I'm amazed that you have 5 years of pain in one journal. Come to my house and see the 3 fileboxes filled with spiral-bounds and hard-covers - the last 10 years of my life. LOL I refer to them the way you did. Inspiration. Validation. Reflection. Good for you for listening to yourself! xo
"I know why the caged bird sings." --Maya Angelou. Without the sorrow, we don't know joy; without the pain, we don't know peace.
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